Last month, Tabi wrote about the scene she didn’t write. The one that would have just taken too much out of her. This month I wanted to share with you the scene I did finally write, letting go and putting it out in the universe after 15+ years.
But first - Trigger Warnings - or the more up to date and appropriate phrase (I just found out in a quick google) - Content Warnings. Tabi and I have routinely put these at the beginning of our books so that anyone who might find a particular situation distressing can be prepared or choose not to read our book. It’s a quick paragraph warning the readers that the book touches on risky topics and to warn them that we’ve written about something that might be hard to process. Typically these are things like violence, blood, sex, mental health, racism, animal cruelty, pregnancy and infertility. Jokingly in the Dark Romance genre, these are called a shopping list - for books that are full of them (and many more bondage, knife play, consensual stalking), and because those reading Dark Romance often also have a dark sense of humour. Now some romance readers will avoid reading these warnings because they don’t want any surprises ruined. And yes I have done that too, but some times, and for some people, Content Warnings are incredibly important.
About six months ago, I started a book by a well known author that had characters that had been part of her universe already. It was part of a series, and you know me and a book series - I eat them up. But with 20% left, I had to stop reading because I got the sense the author wrote a pregnancy loss into the story. I did a little internet sleuthing, as you do, and determined that yes the main character was going to lose the baby. I never finished the book, because I know me well enough to know I would not have handled this part of the story. I really struggle with depictions of pregnancy loss happening in real time. So that is my Content Warning. I sometimes still read the book, but at least I know what is coming.
But Andrea, you say, doesn’t the main female character, Sarah, in your first book, Rossi’s Cottage, tell her story of pregnancy and infertility - why did you write that in if it is such a big deal for you? Why put yourself through that? Well because it’s my scene. The one that I had to write. I needed to put the story into the world.
In November 2009, my husband and I were pregnant with our first baby, but sadly, exactly what happened to Sarah, happened to me. Our baby died in utero at 35 weeks. No, we never found a reason why, he just wasn’t meant to be. Obviously we were devastated. And my husband and I struggled with this loss for a long time. One thing that helped me was getting a letter from a colleague who shared his story. He and his wife had been through this and made it out the other side. Just knowing that we could be happy again gave us hope. The really unfair part was that after our loss we struggled with unexplained infertility for four years. I call them my dark years because I don’t remember much. Fortunately, my husband and I were only brought closer by this challenge, not torn apart like Sarah and her ex. And we now have 3 happy healthy children.
For years, I felt compelled to share my story. I knew it would be difficult, but I hoped I could lighten someone’s load by letting them know they aren’t alone, just like my colleague did for me. I was always open about the loss we were struggling with, but I think Sarah says it best ‘It’s not really a secret. It's just not the sort of thing you tell people you don’t know.” When I started brainstorming for the first book, I realized I had my chance. So many people had already mentioned to my husband and I that we were lucky that something so devastating brought us closer together, because for a lot of couples, it tears them apart. I couldn’t imagine that - until I did - what if the woman in my story went through what I did and had to start over. What might that look like? And well voila - Sarah.
Writing these actual scenes though were TOUGH. Tabi and I have shared before, that in our co-authorship, I outline the story and provide lots of the details, and she writes the words and provides more details. But when Sarah talks about her loss with Austin after the drive-in, it’s nearly word for word my writing (Thank you Tabi). I cried writing it, I cried editing it, I cried editing it again (it’s a process) and I even cried today while writing this. But that’s ok. I have never been afraid of tears, and the tears I spill while telling this story are worth it.
I don’t know if it will ever happen, but all I wanted from our first book was to tell my story, and potentially do for another person, what my colleague did for me - made me feel not so alone. It’s a funny thing about tragedy, but knowing that someone else has survived it makes it feel survivable. I don’t think I will ever know if someone reads our books and feels less alone, but just the possibility that my story helps someone is healing for me.